A Dose of Humility

Sorry about not posting. I really do want to keep this up but i've been sick lately and just haven't had the energy.

At the beginning of the day I was worried most about the fact that I had to open at my new job and didn't know where the light switch was, but by the end of the day (now) I'm comtemplating something so much bigger; much bigger than me.

I realized that so many moments led to the one that happened a few hours ago. I was sitting on a couch in a stranger's house discussing something that will change my family, really change us.

It hit me that we were really going to finally discuss the giant elephant living in my house for months and all I could think about was how I needed to be open and have the right mindset. So, as I often do, I went looking for the right song ... and the one that hit me truly surprised me.

"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss
Lead me the the cross, where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down"

I really wasn't expecting to find so much comfort in these words but once I listened to the song (out of many I searched through) it stuck; I couldn't get the words out of my head.

And when I thought about it, that's what I needed. I didn't need a song about finding strength or being stronger ... I needed to be humbled and open because I don't know what's going to happen now. Things are going to be taking a sharp turn in my famiy and it's all happening very fast, but that's why I need to stop and look for God's will in this situation.

I don't know how this will all work out, and it scares me. It scares me that I've enabled the situation and, in turn, added to the hurt dealing with this is going to cause ... but that's where my faith keeps me going. That's why a song I hadn't heard in a few months stopped me dead in my tracks.

I'm not the best Christian. I'm hypocritical and have a bad mouth and can be bitter and I don't really like people in general and I talk myself out of sharing my faith ... I have lots of areas to improve ... but God still loves me ... He still loves my family and if I take a step back and allow myself to be led I think things will turn out eventually. Egos will have to be broken and the road will be hard, but I can do this because, no matter what, I'm not alone.

I know I rambled more than usual today but I just needed to get these thoughts out. As you can tell, I had a rough day and my family is going to have do something none of us really want to but we need to do. It's scary and I needed to get my thoughts out.

I promise not all my entries will be so "preachy" but I felt I really had to write a blog now (yeah, at 2 am.).

'Nuff Said,
Crysania

Dodger Memories ^_^

So yesterday we got a schedule and some promotional stuff for the Dodgers' next season (Ander Ethier bobblehead night will be May 18 btw, and I will totally be there! Especially since I couldn't go to Matt Kemp's last season) and I just started thinking about some of my favorite moments from last season. I went to 6 games and watched more games than I have in quite a while so there are quite a few good ones. I think I'll just put the ones I was actually there for ...

These are in no particular order btw.

#1. Being at 2 games featuring back to back home runs - both of which involved Manny Ramirez. The first game was on fleece blanket night - Orlando Hudson hit a bomb and the stadium went wild when Manny came up next, and he totally delivered. It was my first game of the regular season and they won! The second game was against Arizona. Manny hit a home run then Matt Kemp came up and did the same! It was funny because where we were sitting (lodge box behind home plate) we thought Kemp's might not go over but it did and the Dodgers had the lead ... unfortunately we lost that game because for some reason Torre decided to let James McDonald try to close ...

#2. Being there for Andre Ethier's mad catch against Arizona!
The night after they lost my family had free seats about 2 sections over from Mannywood so I had the BEST view of that amazing catch! Dodgers were up by one (Ethier had walked in the run to put them ahead) when my favorite middle reliever Ramon Troncosso came in. There was a runner on and the ball was launched, everyone thought it was going out but then I see Andre tracking it. My brother and I just stared and held our breath. "He's got a beat on it, he can get it ... please let him get it," was going through my mind. Then he caught it and the stadium went completely nuts! Everyone was chanting "MVP" well into the bottom of inning. It was awesome. Russell Martin also had a really amazing slide at home to tie up the game earlier too. It was a really aggressive, sexy slide. Good game, good times.

#3. Going to the Dodger-Angel game at Angel Stadium on Father's Day.
My friend Paul had bought tickets to the game but his girlfriend found the seats they originally wanted just after he bought them so he sold them to me! My brothers and I pitched in so we could take my dad and Pete's friend brought his dad. The atmosphere at Angel Stadium was amazing! There were about the same amount of Dodger fans as Angel fans (especially in our section) so the stadium was very loud. The atmosphere, Kershaw's pitching and the Dodgers winning made it perfect, especially for my dad. He had a great time and it was worth the money spent.

#4. Taking my niece to her first Dodger game.
We lost 8-0 to Houston but it was a lot of fun to see how excited she was and to get her a foam finger =). Plus Friday night fireworks was to the music of the Beatles.

That's all for now! I have a few more so I'll post them next time

'Nuff Said,
Crysania

It is well with my soul

So 3 years ago yesterday (11-21) we buried my big brother. I know it's an odd date to remember but it was the day after my birthday so it's not exactly easy for me to forget.

November is always a tough month because of my brother's death - obviously- but this year it seems like my brother has been everywhere.

We've brought him up a little more in conversation because of how much he loved the holidays, two of his best friends from his old unit just returned from Kosovo, I had this crazy dream about him watching over my nephew ... then on Friday (my birthday) one of my nephew's toys started going off out of nowhere when I was alone in the living room, playing music. Whenever something like that happens we always joke that it's Rudy so I said "haha stop it Rudy" then it went off again and I said "thank you, yeah, I know it's my birthday" right after that the toy said "bye bye" and shut off (it always does it when you turn it off but I never got up) ... it was freaky.

Then today at church we just happened to sing the song my best friend and I sang at my brother's funeral - "It is Well".

When my sister-in-law asked me to sing intially I wanted to say no, badly, but she told me how disappointed my brother had been when the dj couldn't play the song I was supposed to sing at their wedding so I agreed ... on the condition that I sing at the beginning because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it later on during the service. To be honest I chose the song because I needed support and Kristin and I had done an a capella version before that sounded really pretty. When I really listened to the words while we were practicing, however, the song seemed like the perfect comfort while dealing with losing someone I looked up to and loved so much.

I don't really know what I believe about ghost or spirits or what God would and wouldn't allow someone to do after they died but it seems to me that my brother is trying to let me know that things are all right. I've been kinda down because I haven't found a job and it just gets worse this time of year but despite all that, I'm ok. I'm alive, I have a fantastic family and great friends, I'm healthy and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I've never really felt before that my brother was "reaching out" or anything like that, but maybe he's looking out for me or maybe God just placed all that there to let me know that, no matter what I have him and the hurt won't last forever ... I could just be looking too much into things, but it's definitely a nice thought.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

'nuff said,
Crysania

I want to set him ... so badly

I first saw a volleyball game in 2nd grade, and immediately fell in love with the sport. While watching, there was one player that really caught my attention - she was my teacher's daughter, her name was Tina, she was the second shortest on the team and she was the setter.

I was always aware of the fact that I wouldn't be very tall (throughout elementary and jr high I was the shortest or 2nd shortest in the class) so I figured that would be the best position for me to play. When I first learned how to play the coach told me I was a natural setter and I never looked back. From 6th grade on, I was a setter.

I LOVE being a setter. It's really the only position I think I was meant to play. I know all the mechanics of hitting, I can pass, play the net and serve but setting makes me happy. That being said, I play in a co-ed adult league in Montclair and I have met a man I want to set sooo badly, it's ridiculous!

He's tall, athletic, maybe in his late 20s and not bad looking but none of that really matters ... this man can hit a volleyball!! We've played his team a couple times already and I've wished he was on my team but last night he asked his setter to set one of my favorite outside sets - a shoot - and she couldn't do it. When you have a hitter like this guy (no, no clue what his name is) who can hit just about any set to any place on the court and he asks for a shoot you just HAVE to deliver!

I've set many kinds of sets - huts, flies, shoots, slides, Cs, 4s, 2s, 3s ... but a shoot is definitely one of my favorites and it has been ever since I had the opportunity to set a fantastic outside hitter capable of hitting the set well, consistently (a wonderful OH from Kentucky named Jules). To find a hitter who likes hitting them and CAN hit them ... well it'd be a dream come true.

If you don't know much about volleyball the best way to describe the feeling of finding a hitter like this is ... it's like a quarterback finding a receiver they know can catch anything or ... a pitcher who can have complete confidence throwing that low breaking slider because the catcher won't let it go ... finding a hitter that can handle a variety of sets is just .... wonderful.

So every time I see this guy I just can't help it; I want to him ... I want to set to him so badly ...

'Nuff said,

Crysania

A Leap of Faith?

I've been thinking of many things to blog about the past couple weeks but the other day my 16-year-old-niece sent my brain into overdrive with a facebook status. She posted "I am jealous of people who can believe in something they can't see".

Hebrews 11:1 says this (NKJV), "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I understand what my niece was trying to say, but I think that everyone believes in something they can't see - or don't understand ...

Whether we realize it or not we all place our faith in something. For some it is the belief that we were created by God and that His Son died for us and rose again, for others it my be that life began by a crashing of atoms, others may believe that life is a never ending cycle on the path towards true enlightenment; even those who believe there is nothing after this life place their faith in that nothingness.

Saying you are unable to understand or are envious of someone who believes in something they can't see is, in my opinion, a cop-out. Just because you may not believe in God (or any concept of a diety/dieties) doesn't mean you don't believe in things you can't see.

There are some obvious cliched points -- like how people believe in the wind but only see the evidence of it, or the mass e-mail joke of how you believe someone has a brain even though you don't see that ... I could even bring up emotions and how people believe in those although we only see the evidence of the emotional reactions and not the emotion itself.

Faith is something everyone has because it is what you believe based on what you can't see or don't understand. You simply choose to place your belief somewhere - faith is a universal.

I guess where I'm going with this boils down to that I think my niece is trying to take an easy way out ... and I believe many people do this as well. It's difficult to examine and think about why you believe, and it's terrifying. Even though I do have faith in something it's still scary to think about the things I simply don't understand, and this is where I struggle.

I don't know how to explain to my niece that admitting you have faith can be just as scary as not admitting to it. There is, obviously, an assurance and security I feel, but admitting I believe in something bigger than myself opens me up to more and more questions that don't always have answers. I want to tell her that no matter what, she is placing faith in something ... but don't know how to say it without sounding pretentious.

Once again, thinking of an answer to one thing leads me to another question.

I'll leave it at that for now.

'Nuff said,
Crysania

Stuck in the Middle

Yes, that's right I'm a Christian ... and I go to church. I even like church ... the majority of the time. Unfortunately, there is a problem in my church. It's small. Growing, but still small.

My school was part of the church and so in junior high and high school almost all of my friends went to youth group on Wednesdays and sometimes church on Sundays (only a few of us were there every week). The age group wasn't huge but it was big enough to feel involved in. Then everyone graduated and branched out, leaving a very small college group that continued to shrink.

Until about a year and a half ago the only consistent attendees out of high school were my best friend and myself.

Having said that, the last two years the church has grown some and the college age has increased with more high school kids graduating ... that still leaves a problem for my best friend and myself.

These newer "young adults" are just entering college, whereas we have just graduated. So there's a good 4-5 year gap there ... and the next closest to our age has a good 4-5 year gap as well. It doesn't really feel like we fit in in either place. So where are we left? What do we do?

We aren't really treated like adults because we've grown up in the church and are seen as too young by those 4-5 years older ... and we aren't really seen as "young" by those younger than us. It's a tough place to be and lately I have been struggling with it.

When I was in the worship band I felt like I was part of the church again, but once I quit I felt like just another body in a pew. People didn't approach me about helping out as much and someone even asked where I'd been when I had been at church nearly every week. It was a disconnect I wasn't used to experiencing.

Now, I don't regret my decision. I really loved working for the paper at CSUF and having a section to myself (and a slight organization problem) there really was no way I could have finished in time to make practices every Tuesday, but going from being incredibly involved to almost nothing so quickly was tough to take.

Church is about fellowship with other believers, those who believe as you do. But at different ages you learn and believe different things as you search and grow in your faith. It's difficult to know how to approach the problem and, frankly, I haven't figured out the right way to go about it.

There's been talk of a new young adult Bible study going on and I'm really pushing for it. I realize I'm no longer the youngest and I need to become more comfortable being seen as an adult in the church. I also need the fellowship and mental push a Bible study atmosphere pushes me into. Discussions from Bible studies and hearing other points of view force me to take a step back and really think about what God has to say ... and even what God is telling me about my role in the church.

The Bible says the church is like the body of Christ, and as each part of out bodies has a purpose so does each person in the church. Right now I feel like ... a sprained ankle or something. I'm not doing my job ... because I have no idea what it is.

I'm not sure what will come of this problem but I do know I'm getting tired of being stuck in the middle and need to find a way to contribute.

I think I rambled a little but that's all I have to say for now.

'nuff said,
Crysania

Write What You Know ...

For a long time now I've been thinking of starting a blog, but I came up with excuse after excuse for not doing so. Finally, I decided "Why not?"

I created this blog because I miss writing. The more I wrote in college the more I fell in love with it and not doing so has left a small hole that refused to close up. But I'm not writing without purpose.

I love discussing religion and faith, and not just my own, so I'll dedicate some of this blog to that; I love music so that will definitely be in here; I love reading and finding ideas in books; I love sports, especially volleyball and baseball ... and so on.

So I hope this is interesting and I hope this works out, because I'm just a girl with many thoughts.

'nuff said,
Crysania