It is well with my soul

So 3 years ago yesterday (11-21) we buried my big brother. I know it's an odd date to remember but it was the day after my birthday so it's not exactly easy for me to forget.

November is always a tough month because of my brother's death - obviously- but this year it seems like my brother has been everywhere.

We've brought him up a little more in conversation because of how much he loved the holidays, two of his best friends from his old unit just returned from Kosovo, I had this crazy dream about him watching over my nephew ... then on Friday (my birthday) one of my nephew's toys started going off out of nowhere when I was alone in the living room, playing music. Whenever something like that happens we always joke that it's Rudy so I said "haha stop it Rudy" then it went off again and I said "thank you, yeah, I know it's my birthday" right after that the toy said "bye bye" and shut off (it always does it when you turn it off but I never got up) ... it was freaky.

Then today at church we just happened to sing the song my best friend and I sang at my brother's funeral - "It is Well".

When my sister-in-law asked me to sing intially I wanted to say no, badly, but she told me how disappointed my brother had been when the dj couldn't play the song I was supposed to sing at their wedding so I agreed ... on the condition that I sing at the beginning because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it later on during the service. To be honest I chose the song because I needed support and Kristin and I had done an a capella version before that sounded really pretty. When I really listened to the words while we were practicing, however, the song seemed like the perfect comfort while dealing with losing someone I looked up to and loved so much.

I don't really know what I believe about ghost or spirits or what God would and wouldn't allow someone to do after they died but it seems to me that my brother is trying to let me know that things are all right. I've been kinda down because I haven't found a job and it just gets worse this time of year but despite all that, I'm ok. I'm alive, I have a fantastic family and great friends, I'm healthy and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I've never really felt before that my brother was "reaching out" or anything like that, but maybe he's looking out for me or maybe God just placed all that there to let me know that, no matter what I have him and the hurt won't last forever ... I could just be looking too much into things, but it's definitely a nice thought.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

'nuff said,
Crysania