Trapped in a Glass Case of Emotion

I kind of feel like Will Ferrell in Anchorman lately. In a glass case of emotion.

I'm excited and scared. I'm happy but sad. I'm ready but I'm not.

Accepting the contract is one thing, and leaving is another. This is what I want and I've been thinking it's something God means to have happen in my life. I need to go out and grow up. I need more experience and want to throw myself into the unfamiliar ... but it's uncharted water. It's feels scarier than it is because it is new.

And there is a lot about home I will miss.

I will miss my family (most of whom live relatively close by) and my friends. I'm really going to miss my best friend Kristin. I have no idea what I'll do without her. I'm going to miss Dodger games and birthdays and going to a pub or brewery with my cousins. Now that I've made this decision it's all hitting me.

Why am I doing this? Is it really meant to be or just a confused desire? Am I really even good enough to teach these kids?

When I pray about it, I have a peace about my decision. That makes me think I should be okay ... but then things come up and I think "oh, I'm going to miss that," or "oh yeah, I won't be there", or "crap, what if they don't think I'm a good teacher".

I guess there's more to taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone than I was ready for. I mean, I knew it would be tough and different but I've never gone this far out of the zone before.

As I draw closer to my leave date I'm sure I'll continue fluctuating - I'm sure it will be that way up until I'm in Japan. It'll probably be that way until I get used to being there.

This is different for me. That's for sure.

'Nuff Said,
Crysania

Whoa

Yesterday I logged into my e-mail to find that I had been offered a contract to teach in Japan.

Today I accepted that contract.

Exactly.

I wasn't expecting this at all! I can't believe it. I'm excited.

'Nuff Said,
Crysania

"It's Still Far From Over"

There is so much and yet so little to say.

I have been going through my TEFL classes and looking to schools to apply to. I contacted Job Placement Assistance and I must say Traci was awesome. She really helped me get an international resume and cover letter together. I had so much trouble writing a cover letter for people who may not speak much English. I wanted to be creative and witty like my CSUF Counseling Center Advisor said but you have to be very direct with these schools. It took me 3 tries to get it.

When I was doing that I had a really tough time. I felt useless, stupid and unmotivated in my course work and the possibility of finding a teaching job.

In the midst of my near depression 2 things happened. First, my adorable nephew craved my attention. He crawled on me and bugged me until I would let him on my lap then took my glass and did this:

 He said, "I Ania, I typing." Yes, he calls me Ania (aw-nya). I had talked to him about doing work so I could go far away so he pointed to the computer screen and says "I go here. I go far away" then happily pounded on my keyboard. After snapping the picture with my phone I grabbed him and squeezed him. I love that kid

Right after that I heard the song Stall Out by MUTEMATH. It's a song I think can be easy to listen to without paying attention to it  but I really heard the lyrics:

Racing on a fault line, Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder, As the race goes underwater

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around 
to convince me
It's still far from over

Hearing that made me feel so much better. "It's still far from over."

And now I realize that is true. I have my first interview to be an Assistant Language Teacher at a public school near Tokyo! I'm nervous, excited and encouraged. I know one interview may not equal a job but it's a start and now I just need to let God take control. Well, and, you know, be prepared.

'Nuff Said,
Crysania

Online Classes Pretty Much Suck

I am really struggling with motivation for my TEFL course lately. It's not that I don't want to go to Japan ... it's this online format. Oh my, it is awful.

I will be the first to admit I have awful study habits - I have relied on my brain and ability to comprehend material in class for ... most of my life and gotten away without having to make time to study. I can b.s. my way through tests and have previously been able to do homework at the last minute without much trouble getting decent grades. But, alas, in an online course this strategy does not work well.

I have a solid 86% right now but this past week not wanting to go online and write out lesson plans or do the reading has killed me. I don't think my last assignment was very good and frankly the feedback from my online instructor has been minimal so it's difficult to know where I need to improve. I'm frustrated and, typically, when I get frustrated I become apathetic. How do I make that not happen?

The problem with apathy here is that if I am apathetic and get a bad grade in the course I cannot go to Japan ... and I really want to teach in Japan. I've been flying through the process of getting everything ready for the application process this past week but it will all be useless if I cannot find the motivation to complete the course.

Rock meet hard place.

I hope I can find a way to get more excited about my class. I'll admit it'd be easier if I actually saw or really talked to any of my classmates. Human interaction tends to make attending class more bearable but that cannot be done in an online course. I need to find more ways to stay motivated

Whatever will I do?

I have no idea. But I most definitely need to do something.

'Nuff said,
Crysania

Time Won't Let Me Go

I've been thinking "I need to blog" then forgetting. Time is moving faster than I'm ready for at the moment. I feel like the day drags on and on, then suddenly it's been a week.

I've started my TEFL classes and am doing well so far. I wasn't worried about the course work as much as paying on time and finding a way to get the student teaching done. Somehow it all has worked out. It's really amazing the way God puts things together. Just when I was getting to major "Oh crap, I'm going to have to change my work schedule and take less hours ... which means less money for leaving ... blah, blah" I got a call from the lady I used to tutor for saying her niece was in town from Korea for 2 months and if I could tutor. So I get the perfect opportunity to get me ESL Teaching done!

Lots has been going on in other venues as well. Last Sunday was Youth Sunday and our college group "took over" the church. We did everything from ushering and music to me delivering the message. I must admit ... it was scary. I can sing in front of people without issue but speaking to them is something else ... then I said "crap" on the pulpit. I didn't even realize it but apparently a few people got a kick out of it. I was surprised by the amount of positive feedback I got from people at the church ... whether they really felt that way or were just being nice is another story but I would hope they managed to get something out of it. I can assure you many of them never Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Wonder Twins analogies in a single sermon before. At least I can say I accomplished that.

So things are busy ... though I'm still managing time to play The Sims 3. I've never liked Sims games but I'm having fun with this one. Weird how simply putting a game on a console opens it up for my desire to play but whatever. It's not my normal cup of tea but I'm enjoying it all the same.

Finally, I thought The Green Hornet was adorable. I loved that movie. It was a good action comedy with emphasis on the comedy. I think the only way not to enjoy was to take it too seriously. Oh I also really enjoyed all the Bruce Lee throwbacks (one. inch. punch)! Because I'm not old enough I never got to see The Green Hornet television show, really, but I'd seen lots of clips and stuff in Bruce Lee documentaries and such. I do love Bruce Lee.

So I will make more of an attempt to be on blog. I'd like to keep in the habit so I do it when I'm in Japan as well. I really can't wait to get there.

I know the song doesn't exactly go with my situation but I like it anyways.



'Nuff Said,
Crysania