It is well with my soul

So 3 years ago yesterday (11-21) we buried my big brother. I know it's an odd date to remember but it was the day after my birthday so it's not exactly easy for me to forget.

November is always a tough month because of my brother's death - obviously- but this year it seems like my brother has been everywhere.

We've brought him up a little more in conversation because of how much he loved the holidays, two of his best friends from his old unit just returned from Kosovo, I had this crazy dream about him watching over my nephew ... then on Friday (my birthday) one of my nephew's toys started going off out of nowhere when I was alone in the living room, playing music. Whenever something like that happens we always joke that it's Rudy so I said "haha stop it Rudy" then it went off again and I said "thank you, yeah, I know it's my birthday" right after that the toy said "bye bye" and shut off (it always does it when you turn it off but I never got up) ... it was freaky.

Then today at church we just happened to sing the song my best friend and I sang at my brother's funeral - "It is Well".

When my sister-in-law asked me to sing intially I wanted to say no, badly, but she told me how disappointed my brother had been when the dj couldn't play the song I was supposed to sing at their wedding so I agreed ... on the condition that I sing at the beginning because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it later on during the service. To be honest I chose the song because I needed support and Kristin and I had done an a capella version before that sounded really pretty. When I really listened to the words while we were practicing, however, the song seemed like the perfect comfort while dealing with losing someone I looked up to and loved so much.

I don't really know what I believe about ghost or spirits or what God would and wouldn't allow someone to do after they died but it seems to me that my brother is trying to let me know that things are all right. I've been kinda down because I haven't found a job and it just gets worse this time of year but despite all that, I'm ok. I'm alive, I have a fantastic family and great friends, I'm healthy and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I've never really felt before that my brother was "reaching out" or anything like that, but maybe he's looking out for me or maybe God just placed all that there to let me know that, no matter what I have him and the hurt won't last forever ... I could just be looking too much into things, but it's definitely a nice thought.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

'nuff said,
Crysania

I want to set him ... so badly

I first saw a volleyball game in 2nd grade, and immediately fell in love with the sport. While watching, there was one player that really caught my attention - she was my teacher's daughter, her name was Tina, she was the second shortest on the team and she was the setter.

I was always aware of the fact that I wouldn't be very tall (throughout elementary and jr high I was the shortest or 2nd shortest in the class) so I figured that would be the best position for me to play. When I first learned how to play the coach told me I was a natural setter and I never looked back. From 6th grade on, I was a setter.

I LOVE being a setter. It's really the only position I think I was meant to play. I know all the mechanics of hitting, I can pass, play the net and serve but setting makes me happy. That being said, I play in a co-ed adult league in Montclair and I have met a man I want to set sooo badly, it's ridiculous!

He's tall, athletic, maybe in his late 20s and not bad looking but none of that really matters ... this man can hit a volleyball!! We've played his team a couple times already and I've wished he was on my team but last night he asked his setter to set one of my favorite outside sets - a shoot - and she couldn't do it. When you have a hitter like this guy (no, no clue what his name is) who can hit just about any set to any place on the court and he asks for a shoot you just HAVE to deliver!

I've set many kinds of sets - huts, flies, shoots, slides, Cs, 4s, 2s, 3s ... but a shoot is definitely one of my favorites and it has been ever since I had the opportunity to set a fantastic outside hitter capable of hitting the set well, consistently (a wonderful OH from Kentucky named Jules). To find a hitter who likes hitting them and CAN hit them ... well it'd be a dream come true.

If you don't know much about volleyball the best way to describe the feeling of finding a hitter like this is ... it's like a quarterback finding a receiver they know can catch anything or ... a pitcher who can have complete confidence throwing that low breaking slider because the catcher won't let it go ... finding a hitter that can handle a variety of sets is just .... wonderful.

So every time I see this guy I just can't help it; I want to him ... I want to set to him so badly ...

'Nuff said,

Crysania

A Leap of Faith?

I've been thinking of many things to blog about the past couple weeks but the other day my 16-year-old-niece sent my brain into overdrive with a facebook status. She posted "I am jealous of people who can believe in something they can't see".

Hebrews 11:1 says this (NKJV), "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I understand what my niece was trying to say, but I think that everyone believes in something they can't see - or don't understand ...

Whether we realize it or not we all place our faith in something. For some it is the belief that we were created by God and that His Son died for us and rose again, for others it my be that life began by a crashing of atoms, others may believe that life is a never ending cycle on the path towards true enlightenment; even those who believe there is nothing after this life place their faith in that nothingness.

Saying you are unable to understand or are envious of someone who believes in something they can't see is, in my opinion, a cop-out. Just because you may not believe in God (or any concept of a diety/dieties) doesn't mean you don't believe in things you can't see.

There are some obvious cliched points -- like how people believe in the wind but only see the evidence of it, or the mass e-mail joke of how you believe someone has a brain even though you don't see that ... I could even bring up emotions and how people believe in those although we only see the evidence of the emotional reactions and not the emotion itself.

Faith is something everyone has because it is what you believe based on what you can't see or don't understand. You simply choose to place your belief somewhere - faith is a universal.

I guess where I'm going with this boils down to that I think my niece is trying to take an easy way out ... and I believe many people do this as well. It's difficult to examine and think about why you believe, and it's terrifying. Even though I do have faith in something it's still scary to think about the things I simply don't understand, and this is where I struggle.

I don't know how to explain to my niece that admitting you have faith can be just as scary as not admitting to it. There is, obviously, an assurance and security I feel, but admitting I believe in something bigger than myself opens me up to more and more questions that don't always have answers. I want to tell her that no matter what, she is placing faith in something ... but don't know how to say it without sounding pretentious.

Once again, thinking of an answer to one thing leads me to another question.

I'll leave it at that for now.

'Nuff said,
Crysania

Stuck in the Middle

Yes, that's right I'm a Christian ... and I go to church. I even like church ... the majority of the time. Unfortunately, there is a problem in my church. It's small. Growing, but still small.

My school was part of the church and so in junior high and high school almost all of my friends went to youth group on Wednesdays and sometimes church on Sundays (only a few of us were there every week). The age group wasn't huge but it was big enough to feel involved in. Then everyone graduated and branched out, leaving a very small college group that continued to shrink.

Until about a year and a half ago the only consistent attendees out of high school were my best friend and myself.

Having said that, the last two years the church has grown some and the college age has increased with more high school kids graduating ... that still leaves a problem for my best friend and myself.

These newer "young adults" are just entering college, whereas we have just graduated. So there's a good 4-5 year gap there ... and the next closest to our age has a good 4-5 year gap as well. It doesn't really feel like we fit in in either place. So where are we left? What do we do?

We aren't really treated like adults because we've grown up in the church and are seen as too young by those 4-5 years older ... and we aren't really seen as "young" by those younger than us. It's a tough place to be and lately I have been struggling with it.

When I was in the worship band I felt like I was part of the church again, but once I quit I felt like just another body in a pew. People didn't approach me about helping out as much and someone even asked where I'd been when I had been at church nearly every week. It was a disconnect I wasn't used to experiencing.

Now, I don't regret my decision. I really loved working for the paper at CSUF and having a section to myself (and a slight organization problem) there really was no way I could have finished in time to make practices every Tuesday, but going from being incredibly involved to almost nothing so quickly was tough to take.

Church is about fellowship with other believers, those who believe as you do. But at different ages you learn and believe different things as you search and grow in your faith. It's difficult to know how to approach the problem and, frankly, I haven't figured out the right way to go about it.

There's been talk of a new young adult Bible study going on and I'm really pushing for it. I realize I'm no longer the youngest and I need to become more comfortable being seen as an adult in the church. I also need the fellowship and mental push a Bible study atmosphere pushes me into. Discussions from Bible studies and hearing other points of view force me to take a step back and really think about what God has to say ... and even what God is telling me about my role in the church.

The Bible says the church is like the body of Christ, and as each part of out bodies has a purpose so does each person in the church. Right now I feel like ... a sprained ankle or something. I'm not doing my job ... because I have no idea what it is.

I'm not sure what will come of this problem but I do know I'm getting tired of being stuck in the middle and need to find a way to contribute.

I think I rambled a little but that's all I have to say for now.

'nuff said,
Crysania

Write What You Know ...

For a long time now I've been thinking of starting a blog, but I came up with excuse after excuse for not doing so. Finally, I decided "Why not?"

I created this blog because I miss writing. The more I wrote in college the more I fell in love with it and not doing so has left a small hole that refused to close up. But I'm not writing without purpose.

I love discussing religion and faith, and not just my own, so I'll dedicate some of this blog to that; I love music so that will definitely be in here; I love reading and finding ideas in books; I love sports, especially volleyball and baseball ... and so on.

So I hope this is interesting and I hope this works out, because I'm just a girl with many thoughts.

'nuff said,
Crysania